It just hit me completely out of the blue this morning that this December marks the 10 year point of when I had planned to take my own life.
The amazing part of it all was that I actually felt an excitement around that realization.
For the first time since Christmas 2013, I felt joy and gratitude FIRST before I felt any twinge of pain, guilt or shame. It's not that I haven't felt a ton of gratitude since. I've actually felt deep gratitude for the miracles that have come from NOT proceeding with those plans. However, usually when I've recalled that moment in time, which still feels a bit surreal to be honest, I've felt anything from immense sadness to regret to guilt and even extreme shame that I would even consider that as an option.
For awhile now, I've been on a journey of releasing shame. To do that, you have to be willing to look at the bare-bones truth, own what's yours, and let go of what's not. More about that for another time, maybe.
To say that I feel blessed is an understatement. Just one slightly varied move in the grand scheme of things that night and everything could have ended much differently. It's in that realization where both deep gratitude and a somber remorse lies, and that's probably how it always will be.
There's no undoing the past plans and actions, but there's also no good that comes from reliving our mistakes and unwise thoughts and choices.
So with that in mind, I celebrate tonight, just as I did earlier today on a call with a friend as I was sharing some of these thoughts with her. What a gift to hear her say, "I'm so glad you didn't."
As I thought about her kind words later, I reflected on our friendship and how blessed I am to know her. Then, I reflected on the many friendships that have come into my life since that time + the ones that have been deepened and strengthened, as well as some of the relationships that have been repaired. The 10 of you reading this probably fit one of those descriptions. LOL!
Truly, what a gift each of you are.
What a gift LIFE is.
10+ years ago, I lost sight of that. I was in my mid-30's, and my pain was so deep that I couldn't see anything clearly. Truth was muddled. Many of my "friendships" had proven to be lost amidst the debris of superficial conditions and counterfeit loyalty, especially when I started reaching out for help and identifying some of the causes. I don't fault all of them entirely. I wouldn't have known how to "handle" me either at that point. After all, I was known to be the "rock" for many of them in their hardships.
Despite all that, there was still so much goodness in my life.
There were still people who cared for and loved me. There were friends and family who remained steadfast and honored my wishes through each season whether that be at arms length or close at hand.
As I was reflecting more with my friend this afternoon, I mentioned to her that I've probably lived the best years of my life these past 5 years. Thinking more on that, possibly even all 10, despite the painful moments that inevitably take place as we heal.
During that time, I've met incredible people, started some meaningful ventures, traveled to new and amazing places, experienced new and exciting events, moved to a state where I knew little of its existence but have come to really enjoy, and I've found so much freedom in rediscovering myself and who I truly am.
What a tragedy to have missed all that.
Gosh, just writing all this has made me teary-eyed and filled me with so much gratitude.
What a blessing that I can now live a life that I love, but what a misfortune it would be if I didn't help shine a light for others to find this path for themselves. Hopefully, just reading some of this encouraged you in some way or inspired you to pass it on to someone who might need it.
Honestly, when I woke up that morning after and felt a 2nd chance at life, I knew I needed to heal first for myself and my family, but I also felt a calling to heal for the countless others who need what I had been seeking but struggled to find.
If you know me and are connected in some way, maybe something I've said or some of what I share in the social media world has encouraged and motivated you to keep going, but that's just the beginning.
There are so many layers to pain and healing. There are so many emotions that emerge through abuse, neglect, uncertainty, abandonment, taking a stand, finding our way, discovering our truth, etc. I've been here for pretty much all of them ... fear, anger, frustration, grief, confusion, hurt, guilt, shame.
I'd love to help you find understanding in the midst of chaos.
You deserve to celebrate this life for the gift that it is. We all do.
I believe it's possible.
