I pretty much slept through this day with a bit of a cold and an awful near migraine. Needless to say, I didn't spend much time in reflection or doing much of anything really, so tonight, now that I'm a bit more coherent, I thought I'd share a quick part of my story and one of the reasons this 30 Days with God journey is so important to me.
Much of my early to mid-30's were some of the most tumultuous years of my life. That turmoil didn't start there. It had been built upon for years with various situations of being in church circles where spiritual control and manipulation ran rampant. It also didn't end there. Even though I thought I had escaped to a safe place in another church circle, there were still elements of this there.
***This is the place most well-meaning Christians shout, "You'll never find a perfect church!" That is absolutely 100% true, but I'm not talking about that here, and if that is all you are willing to think about right now, you should probably close this window and stop reading. This is not for you.***
Truthfully, I don't really like to talk about these things publicly because inevitably, trolls come out of hiding, especially the well-meaning ones who are just trying to help me see some "truth" they are sure I've never considered, not realizing they are just shooting fiery darts instead. I can withstand the fiery darts much more than I used to be able to do, but for those who might read this and need to hear what I'm going to say, I pray that you will keep your fiery darts and not be a discouragement to someone else reading this.
Anyway, I quickly found out that the type of people and situations I had experienced exist almost everywhere. It doesn't matter the church, denomination, organization, location, amount of safety measures in place or transparency practiced. Unhealthy leaders exist and often slip into the best of places. It's incredibly hard to identify if you don't know what you're seeking to identify. Sadly, most of the people who fall into this area are well-known as "loving, friendly, funny, giving and/or vivacious and enthusiastic" people. In other words, most people love them because they are people magnets. This makes it even more incredibly difficult to identify, and incredibly difficult for others outside the situation to believe YOU when you do start picking up on the signals and asking questions or pointing out areas of concern.
Asking questions ... THAT in and of itself might be the biggest element of my demise in all of this. However, it was in the ending (or death) of these eras in my life that I found freedom. Freedom always comes at a price, and it definitely did, but the price has been SO worth it.
I have no problem acknowledging that I am a person FULL of questions. Seriously, I'm sometimes to the point of a 2 year old incessantly asking "Why?" a million times. Haha! Truthfully, this describes me to the core. However, I learned early on and often in most of the church circles I've been a part of that my questions were not welcomed or encouraged. I was often quickly painted as a rebel, dissenter, protester, etc., and I'll be the first to admit that I'm definitely a non-conformist. That being said, the more I learn about Jesus and some of the greats of the Bible and history, the more I believe many of them were non-conformists, too.
I could spend hours upon hours telling in more detail what I experienced and how it led to depression, anxiety, social anxiety and more, but I don't have hours and those details aren't all that important right now. If you've experienced anything similar, you probably know without all the details what these feelings have been like for you as well.
This brings me to why these 30 days are so important to me.
For most of my life, I have believed somewhere deep within that God was an incredibly loving being who cared deeply for me and all of humanity. However, much of what and how I was taught about God simply did not depict what I believed instinctively to be true. Often it would be taught that "God is love, but ..." That always left me wondering, "How can an unconditionally loving God have conditions?" For some, that is a loaded question because their beliefs can't reconcile that with the "wretchedness of the world." I'm honestly not quite sure how to reconcile that myself. In all that I've experienced in this life, there's times I'd rather prefer God withheld that love from some people. They certainly didn't deserve it in my eyes. I'm not here to debate that question, though. I'm simply sharing it as an example of my own experiences because as I've learned more and more about that unconditional love, I've begun to see God in a totally different light, or maybe, I'm seeing him in that same light I once saw him as a young child. Either way, I wanted to take this month to just explore where that leads. Maybe it will also lead to something you've been seeking.
It sounds like you might be up against similar circumstances and questions, and I want to say that it is ok to trust your intuition on this, even if it goes against every principle you've been taught, and especially if you know the leadership is unhealthy and/or the "do what I say not what I do" type.
Side note: If you're in a situation like I was where questioning a "Christian" leader is equal to questioning God, then that is not healthy leadership. We each have the ability to have our own connection to God, and while healthy guidance and advice from others is good at times, it is not a necessity to living a healthy life of freedom in Christ.
Don't shy away from your questions. Keep seeking the answers. I believe you will find them.
Also, YES to Jesus being the biggest non-conformist ever!