I can't believe this month is almost over. In some ways, it seems as if it's lasted a long time, and in other ways, it seems like it's flown by.
Aside from the October through December fall and holidays months, April is my next favorite month. Maybe, it's because it's my birthday month, and I love to party and celebrate. Regardless of why, I think this particular April might be one of my overall favorites. Even with all the ups and downs, I have thoroughly enjoyed this month. Choosing to do this 30-day journey might just be the reason why this particular April has seemed so great.
For years now, I've been searching for a way back to how my relationship with God was as a young person. It was so carefree and spontaneous. I trusted deeply and believed fully that God's love was amazing. My inner relationship with Him was very different from what I was being taught it should be, and I didn't care. What I experienced was deeper than anything I had with any other human, and that's all that mattered.
Somewhere along life's journey into adulthood, I lost hope and I lost trust. I let the words and actions of others erode away at my thoughts and beliefs. I let those words and actions that were meant to tear me down do just that. I allowed myself to stay way too long in places I knew I didn't belong, and I accepted negative words that were said to me, and about me, and allowed them to take root in my heart and mind, and I settled into a belief around them - a belief that was untrue and damaging. This belief set the stage for much doubt and fear and a completely mistaken view of who God was and who He created me to be.
I realize now that my mistaken views about my identity is a big part of my lack of faith in the One who created me.
A few years ago, I was talking to one of my dearest friends and she pointed out one of my strengths (an interpersonal skill) she had observed and mentioned that it was a real gift. She then went on to say, "but I think you already know that." I got a little choked up because as she was talking I was searching my mind for ways to downplay it as if that wasn't all that important, but in that moment, I felt as if God was giving me a message that He hadn't lost faith in me even if I had lost faith in myself, and even if I had lost trust in Him.
That conversation was the start of something way bigger than I could have realized. It was a big step in my way back to belief.
The past 29 days in this month of April have shown me so many more things than I ever expected. Tomorrow, I will reflect on some of them.
Tonight, I'm going to rest in the fact that I am loved. No matter what I've done or what's been done to me, God's love is still there for me.
"Love never fails." - I Corinthians 13:8a
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