I pretty much slept through this day with a bit of a cold and an awful near migraine. Needless to say, I didn't spend much time in reflection or doing much of anything really, so tonight, now that I'm a bit more coherent, I thought I'd share a quick part of my story and one of the reasons this 30 Days with God journey is so important to me.
Much of my early to mid-30's were some of the most tumultuous years of my life. That turmoil didn't start there. It had been built upon for years with various situations of being in church circles where spiritual control and manipulation ran rampant. It also didn't end there. Even though I thought I had escaped to a safe place in another church circle, there were still elements of this there.
***This is the place most well-meaning Christians shout, "You'll never find a perfect church!" That is absolutely 100% true, but I'm not talking about that here, and if that is all you are willing to think about right now, you should probably close this window and stop reading. This is not for you.***
Truthfully, I don't really like to talk about these things publicly because inevitably, trolls come out of hiding, especially the well-meaning ones who are just trying to help me see some "truth" they are sure I've never considered, not realizing they are just shooting fiery darts instead. I can withstand the fiery darts much more than I used to be able to do, but for those who might read this and need to hear what I'm going to say, I pray that you will keep your fiery darts and not be a discouragement to someone else reading this.
Anyway, I quickly found out that the type of people and situations I had experienced exist almost everywhere. It doesn't matter the church, denomination, organization, location, amount of safety measures in place or transparency practiced. Unhealthy leaders exist and often slip into the best of places. It's incredibly hard to identify if you don't know what you're seeking to identify. Sadly, most of the people who fall into this area are well-known as "loving, friendly, funny, giving and/or vivacious and enthusiastic" people. In other words, most people love them because they are people magnets. This makes it even more incredibly difficult to identify, and incredibly difficult for others outside the situation to believe YOU when you do start picking up on the signals and asking questions or pointing out areas of concern.
Asking questions ... THAT in and of itself might be the biggest element of my demise in all of this. However, it was in the ending (or death) of these eras in my life that I found freedom. Freedom always comes at a price, and it definitely did, but the price has been SO worth it.
I have no problem acknowledging that I am a person FULL of questions. Seriously, I'm sometimes to the point of a 2 year old incessantly asking "Why?" a million times. Haha! Truthfully, this describes me to the core. However, I learned early on and often in most of the church circles I've been a part of that my questions were not welcomed or encouraged. I was often quickly painted as a rebel, dissenter, protester, etc., and I'll be the first to admit that I'm definitely a non-conformist. That being said, the more I learn about Jesus and some of the greats of the Bible and history, the more I believe many of them were non-conformists, too.
I could spend hours upon hours telling in more detail what I experienced and how it led to depression, anxiety, social anxiety and more, but I don't have hours and those details aren't all that important right now. If you've experienced anything similar, you probably know without all the details what these feelings have been like for you as well.
This brings me to why these 30 days are so important to me.
For most of my life, I have believed somewhere deep within that God was an incredibly loving being who cared deeply for me and all of humanity. However, much of what and how I was taught about God simply did not depict what I believed instinctively to be true. Often it would be taught that "God is love, but ..." That always left me wondering, "How can an unconditionally loving God have conditions?" For some, that is a loaded question because their beliefs can't reconcile that with the "wretchedness of the world." I'm honestly not quite sure how to reconcile that myself. In all that I've experienced in this life, there's times I'd rather prefer God withheld that love from some people. They certainly didn't deserve it in my eyes. I'm not here to debate that question, though. I'm simply sharing it as an example of my own experiences because as I've learned more and more about that unconditional love, I've begun to see God in a totally different light, or maybe, I'm seeing him in that same light I once saw him as a young child. Either way, I wanted to take this month to just explore where that leads. Maybe it will also lead to something you've been seeking.
Today, I want to focus on kindness. It seems to be following me around lately, and my hope is that it's because I'm giving it as much as I seem to be receiving it.
Did you know the word kindness is mentioned dozens of times throughout scripture? If you include other words that include the act of kindness (giving), then it's many more times than that. Whenever I see something mentioned so much, it makes me think there is a really good reason for that.
I would say most people wouldn't argue that kindness is an important value to have, and yet, it sometimes seems lacking in places in our world today. Even still, I believe enough people truly want to be kind and spread kindness in their circle of influence and beyond.
In my personal experience, I've discovered 2 very valuable concepts that seem to apply to almost any aspect of living:
1) We find what we're seeking/where our focus is. If we're looking for it, especially for good reason, it will show up.
2) The principle of reaping what we sow is very true, and in this case, I've found the more we give, the more we get (exponentially). It's as if we can't out-give in our lives. When we plant that seed in abundance freely, the harvest always comes in abundance as well.
The art of practicing something like "acts of kindness" may seem small, but it's a great place to start. It's actually in the kindness of others that I started to uncover the kindness of God - something I struggled to find for years due to so many painful circumstances in my life.
If you are struggling to see the goodness of God, I would encourage you to seek goodness (kindness) in people around you. It might be difficult at first, but I truly believe if you seek it, you will find it.
"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." - Galatians 5:22-23a
"And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose," - Romans 8:28 (NET)
This verse is so well known by many who consider themselves to be believers in Christ. I learned it at a young age, and I often used it to console myself and others during difficult times. It certainly makes sense to use it in that way. However, I've begun to wonder if there's more to it than just a means to ride out the storm. The older I get and the more I have come to experience life in new and unique ways, I realize that so much is happening around us that we just don't understand or fully see until we're ready and willing to see it.
I don't think it's any accident that the circumstances happening in my life right now are happening as they should be at this exact time. Just a week or so ago, I might have disagreed. It felt like several pivotal parts were coming unglued, and I wasn't sure I had it in me to fight for it. I truly thought that I was going to toss in the towel in some areas - areas I had worked hard to accomplish for years now. It felt like I might be closing a chapter for good, BUT as the details of the situation progressed, I realized that a story ebbs and flows and each new chapter builds off the one before it. Ultimately, I realized that this story is far from over, and even with it's unexpected twists and turns, it's one filled with hope and empowerment. One that is much needed in our world today.
Interestingly enough, as I've been typing this, another verse came to mind ... "As for you, you meant to harm me, but God intended it for a good purpose, so he could preserve the lives of many people, as you can see this day." - Genesis 50:20 (NET)
I realize my story is vague here (partly because it would take way too long to explain it all), but I will say this ... that scripture packs a powerful punch in light of my passion to help others find emotional well-being, and the thought that I considered throwing in the towel instead of navigating the detours is sobering.
There are so many people today who are suffering and need to know that things can get better. They need to hear parts of my story. They need to know that they aren't the only one who's experienced deeply painful situations. They need to know that someone else has been there. They need to know that doubts and questions are ok and that the messy and confusing journey to better days is perfectly normal.
What about you? Do you feel like throwing in the towel in some area(s)? I urge you to zoom out and consider what is taking place within you to mold and perfect your story and your purpose.
The past week or so has been difficult for me, but it has also provided clear evidence that God is at work even when we don't feel it or see it. I don't believe that's just for me. Things are working for your good too.
My act of kindness today is to tell you that you are loved. Whether you feel it or not, just know that you are, and your life has purpose.
Today did not quite go as planned. I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting for the day, but it wasn't quite like the day that ensued.
That being said, it wasn't what I'd consider a bad day either.
Today definitely had a rough start and several of the days leading up to this day have been full of challenges carrying a mixed bag of disappointment, perceived defeat, fear, courage, new beginnings, ideas, decisions (LOTS of them) and lessons. I decided to trust God was working, but it didn't feel like it at first. I'm glad I didn't give up when it didn't feel like it because along the way, I discovered more courage, answers, encouragement, support from others, vision, clarity and ultimately empowerment. If I'd given up the other day, I might not have discovered the strength that already existed within me having been created for just this moment.
Have you ever considered the idea that there is untapped potential that is a part of you just waiting for you to have faith enough to exercise it?
That brings me to today. I had fully intended to pick a scripture at the beginning of each day to ponder throughout the day, but today, scripture found me. From the back of my memory, I was reminded of several verses as the events of the day presented themselves. Here are a few:
"Give thanks in everything, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." - I Thessalonians 5:18 (HCSB)
"A friend loves at all times ..." - Proverbs 17:17a (NKJV)
"And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” - Esther 4:14b (ESV)
I'm not going to hash out a bunch of details surrounding these verses, but the day certainly could be summed up as filled with reminders of God's goodness and Divine guidance. My prayers throughout the day, which were not structured at all but rather frequent and short, were centered on gratitude and asking God to provide answers, and He very much did.
The 3rd element of the day ~ kindness ~ was not planned well either. In all the recent distractions, I hadn't taken a lot of time to consider an intentional act of kindness for the day, and yet, not surprisingly at all, I experienced several moments of both giving and receiving kindnesses. Funny how that works when we're focused on goodness.
NOTHING about today felt structured or intentional as I had thought this day's journey might be, but maybe that's the point. Maybe life isn't so much about structured time of devotion, not that this is a bad thing, but maybe it's more about walking each moment in the way of God's goodness and guidance relying on faith for every step.
Lately, I have been rediscovering a part of my spiritual journey that was shaky at best for the past several years.
It's been an amazing awakening of sorts as I sift through thoughts, emotions, interactions, new discoveries and literal miracles. For many years leading up 'til now, this part of my journey had been difficult as I managed to somehow hold on to faith while also challenging every part of it.
In recent weeks, I've discovered a whole new way of viewing God, scripture, others, myself, creation and our purpose in all of it. It wasn't anything all that earth shattering or new, but it has left a pretty big impression.
As I woke up this morning, the idea came to me to do a 30-day journey with God and see where it goes. While I feel like it has already started in some ways, I am officially starting it April 1st, since coincidentally, there are 30 days in that month.
Each day, I plan to intentionally include these 3 things:
Prayer
A Scripture of some kind
Kindness toward others
I will do my best to recap here each night on my blog.
I'd love to invite anyone into this space to follow along, comment, and either actively or silently participate.
I welcome ANYONE into this journey, but it's most likely going to be a good fit for those who ...
Struggle in their faith
Wonder if God is really there
Doubt a little (or a lot)
Have had faith used as a bludgeoning tool
Have questions - yes, even difficult ones
Have been ostracized or vilified for asking questions or challenging the church status quo
Feel like faith is important but don't know what you really believe or where to begin
Need a space to not feel judged
Need support in their journey
Are wondering who they were created to be
I don't propose to have all the answers, but I will commit to walking this journey openly and alongside you as we navigate and discover new perspectives and truths we may not yet fully know.
If you're here for it, drop a comment and let me know.
