Last night, I had all but put the finishing touches on Day 9's post when my laptop decided to freeze up. Once I got everything back up, I discovered that I had lost everything I had just written ... ALL . OF . IT. Ugh!
As frustrating as that is, the thoughts are still there, so maybe those will be saved to share on another day. For now, I'll keep hitting "save" with each sentence, and I'll share some new thoughts because today has left me full of them. :-D
I've recently been listening to the audio book "Quantum Christianity: Believe Again" on Audible. It's a book I started back toward the end of last year, then, set aside during the holidays, and have now picked back up to listen again. It's actually been perfect timing considering what's happening right now in life and where I left off in the book. Funny how that sometimes happens, huh?
Anyway, there are 2 things that really grabbed my attention there and I wanted to share them here and maybe discuss how these processes have an effect on our thinking and belief systems.
The 1st being a quote the author shared by Albert Einstein that states, "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." I might also add (or when those problems presented themselves).
I was wowed by this statement, so much so that I had to back it up and listen again ... twice ... and then pause it to let it really sink in.
Take a minute and re-read it yourself if you'd like. It's powerful.
It got me thinking ... How many times do we stay stuck because we can't get ourselves out of a certain thought pattern? We make a mistake or experience pain from an outside source. Then, we ruminate and try to process it from the same emotional state that got us there to begin with or that we arrived at when the experience first happened.
Emotions are good indicators but they are horrible guides. In other words, they are great at helping us see that something IS wrong and possibly WHAT that is exactly. However, they cannot lead us where we need to go. WE must choose to intentionally work through the situation (find solutions).
So going back to Albert Einstein's quote ... If we were to remain in a state of anger or frustration about a situation, we would most likely not be able to think clearly about any possible details that could lead to a solution unless we are willing to release the anger and frustration and choose a better outlook (hope, faith, optimism, gratitude, compassion, determination, flexibility, courage, restoration, etc.). Mindset really does matter, and the better we get at programming our mindset, the better prepared we can be when these situations arise.
For years, I remained stuck in so much mental anguish (to the point of wanting to leave this world) because I continued to sit in the pain and frustration and anger of all I had experienced. At that time, I would have told you that it was because I didn't know how to help myself or where to find help. While that is partially true, the overarching truth is that I simply did not understand the gravity of this truth that Mr. Einstein shared. I continued to look at my situation through the same lens over and over and over again, which kept me stuck and blind to any real solutions. It wasn't until I was able to finally realize that I had to take on a different viewpoint, even if it was difficult, that I could start heading in the direction of finding solutions.
This brings me to the other thing I wanted to share ... The idea that our beliefs and actions often stem from what we've been taught mixed with a little bit of our own experiences (or lack of them) vs real truth or even concrete evidence. For instance, if a parent or teacher who we love and trust instills a principle into our brains and we have no personal experience in that area, we will simply believe what they say and adopt that belief as our own simply because we love and trust them. THIS is exactly how manipulative leaders gain control over unsuspecting people under their care. This is also how well-meaning leaders can perpetuate unhealthy or false teachings (often unintentionally), simply because they are furthering a belief system that they were taught.
I could go down a giant rabbit hole here, but that's not the point of this.
What I want to ask is ... How many times have we developed beliefs simply because someone told us that's what we should believe without any real evidence or personal experience to back it up?
From there, these beliefs quickly cause us to create stories in our minds around our situations that cause us to develop new beliefs about ourselves - who we are, what our worth is, etc. Then, when we filter our experiences through these beliefs, we are left feeling pretty awful about ourselves and questioning everything. When we're in that state of mind, we're far from seeking solutions. Instead, we're trapped in the cycle of (like Albert Einstein stated) trying to solve problems at the same level of thinking as when the problem was created.
It's ok to ask questions, but I encourage you to do so from a positive state of mind that is looking for solutions, not stuck in an unhealthy emotional state. As someone who has experienced hundreds of questions flying through her brain, I can tell you this ... I've found more answers to those questions when I'm open and optimistic than when I'm stuck in an emotionally negative headspace.
Personally, I believe God welcomes our questions and WANTS to answer them - maybe not all at once, but I believe He will as we are ready for them. If He didn't, then I don't believe He would have said this ...
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." - Matthew 7:7 (NKJV)
In a world that often seems filled with judgment and comparison, many find themselves struggling with feelings of shame about who they are or the decisions they've made. Do you ever feel like this?
Navigating shame has been a difficult task for me. It's easy to spiral out in our thoughts over all the "what ifs" in life, and I have certainly done my fair share of spiraling. BUT staying stuck keeps us from living the life we were meant to live.
While the emotional burden of shame can feel particularly heavy, it's often placed in our hearts and minds through misguided teachings that leave us feeling horrible simply because we made a mistake or took an unwise detour in life.
Did you know this contradicts the foundational Christian beliefs of forgiveness and unconditional love?
"You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you." - Psalm 86:5
I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't have some remorse over choices we make that weren't for our good, but after realizing our mistakes and hopefully, correcting them, we should get back on track and move on. It does no good for ourselves or others to stay stuck in the guilt and shame.
As we navigate through life's challenges, it's important to remember that our worth is not determined by our mistakes or by the opinions of others. Instead, our value comes from our identity as beloved children of God.
Let us embracing this truth. Let it be the first step toward healing and finding peace within ourselves, as we learn to see ourselves through the lens of a compassionate God.
Freedom.
This one word alone has left me with more questions than I could have ever imagined. Mainly, it's because I truly believe to the very core of my existence that God is the giver of freedom. From Day 1, when all of creation was set into motion until now, I believe He has maintained the fact that freedom was a great gift to us, and He always intended for us to have it EVEN IF we use it to our detriment.
However, I've seen throughout most of my life much of the opposite taught and modeled in Christian/church settings. Most of those places have been filled with rules and regulations ('standards" as they might be called). Some that are very extreme, and many that have been used to control and manipulate leaving great devastation in the lives of good people.
This is where people often hear what I'm not saying, so let me clarify: I'm not saying that some guidelines aren't necessary for organized institutions to run smoothly and with integrity.
That being said, what I have often experienced goes much farther beyond the institution. Most of what I've experienced carried over into the individual's personal and family life. These "standards" as they were often called weren't merely just to help the organization flourish for good. They were expectations of how each person within said organization should live, and if you didn't live up to those expectations, you were punished, made an example of, humiliated (either publicly or privately/passively) or worse ... ostracized - maybe from the entire organization or maybe just from select segments.
Many of my questions throughout life have come from the fact that I couldn't reconcile freedom with a lifestyle like I just described.
My questions often got me "in trouble" in those places. Surely, I was just a rebel who didn't want to obey, right? I just wanted my own way because you know, "the heart is deceitful ..." so of course, I didn't really know what I was asking. But ... is that really what that scripture means? I don't want to turn this into a big debate and I'm no scholar, so I'll just leave my quick opinion and move on. I believe, when one is in a state of being where that person chooses not to tap into the Source of all life, that might be true, but for those who are seeking God in all His goodness? I believe their heart is both desiring and seeking to do what's good and best for their lives, even if they sometimes make unwise choices.
Despite all the years of living in that culture (and yes, I fully realize I CHOSE to remain there for many years as an adult - even if that reason was simply "afraid to leave") and despite the fact that I was left emotionally battered, I am eternally grateful that I eventually found some of those answers I was seeking. Mostly, I am glad I finally found FREEDOM.
If any of this resonates with you and you may be wondering if you're in an unhealthy environment somewhere, let me share something that a friend shared with me awhile back. I'm not sure where it originated, and I've added my own tweaks to it, but hopefully it is helpful.
If you are not able to tell the truth to ...
Your spouse
Your friend
Your classmates
Your boss
Your neighbors
Your church
Your co-workers
Any authority figure
If you cannot ask questions and be treated with seriousness, dignity, and respect ...
You are not FREE.
Seek freedom, my friend. Stay tapped in to the One who gave it to you. Do not trade your freedom for a life of oppression.
With all that you have and at all costs, SEEK FREEDOM.
"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." - Galatians 5:1 (MSG)
Since my body is still trying to fight this head cold/headache, I took a break from writing on Day 5.
However, over the past few days, my mind has been racing with all kinds of thoughts. Truthfully, I feel a little scatter-brained at the moment. :-)
My thoughts have been all over the map thinking about my past and how much I've reconciled of that (for which I'm incredibly grateful), but also, I think of the questions that still remain. I also think of the many people who haven't yet been able to reconcile their past circumstances with their present life, and ultimately, with a loving God who is guiding and perfecting them because of and in spite of past circumstances.
It is so difficult to see a loving God in painful situations. Even if our very core beliefs won't let us let go of the idea that God exists and cares for us, it's still a balancing act of confusion and frustration and sometimes anger and exhaustion.
I feel those thoughts and feelings deeply. Even though I can now see God more through a loving lens, there are so many questions left unanswered from past situations and relationships. The proverbial "why?" still comes up quite often at times.
Have you ever been told not to ask "why?" of God? I've heard teachings all too often that stated we shouldn't question God. I find that interesting because a quick search of scripture gives hundreds of instances where people all throughout history asked God, "why?"
I'm no Bible scholar, but that gives me a pretty big indication that it is completely normal to ask God "why?" I can't promise the answers will come quickly or neatly wrapped for us, but I do believe the answers will be shown as we are ready to receive them.
How do we know we're ready to receive the answers? I can't answer that for anyone, perhaps not even for myself. However, I think a good place to start might be by keeping a heart and mind open to the idea that anything is possible.
One of my favorite verses (that I was actually made to memorize as a teenager) has continued to stick with me and has been a comfort when trying to remember the heart of who God is ...
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." - II Timothy 1:7
Power, love and a sound mind ... all gifts from God. I think it might be safe to say that anything that tries to fill our spirit with something contrary to that is deception and lies.
I pretty much slept through this day with a bit of a cold and an awful near migraine. Needless to say, I didn't spend much time in reflection or doing much of anything really, so tonight, now that I'm a bit more coherent, I thought I'd share a quick part of my story and one of the reasons this 30 Days with God journey is so important to me.
Much of my early to mid-30's were some of the most tumultuous years of my life. That turmoil didn't start there. It had been built upon for years with various situations of being in church circles where spiritual control and manipulation ran rampant. It also didn't end there. Even though I thought I had escaped to a safe place in another church circle, there were still elements of this there.
***This is the place most well-meaning Christians shout, "You'll never find a perfect church!" That is absolutely 100% true, but I'm not talking about that here, and if that is all you are willing to think about right now, you should probably close this window and stop reading. This is not for you.***
Truthfully, I don't really like to talk about these things publicly because inevitably, trolls come out of hiding, especially the well-meaning ones who are just trying to help me see some "truth" they are sure I've never considered, not realizing they are just shooting fiery darts instead. I can withstand the fiery darts much more than I used to be able to do, but for those who might read this and need to hear what I'm going to say, I pray that you will keep your fiery darts and not be a discouragement to someone else reading this.
Anyway, I quickly found out that the type of people and situations I had experienced exist almost everywhere. It doesn't matter the church, denomination, organization, location, amount of safety measures in place or transparency practiced. Unhealthy leaders exist and often slip into the best of places. It's incredibly hard to identify if you don't know what you're seeking to identify. Sadly, most of the people who fall into this area are well-known as "loving, friendly, funny, giving and/or vivacious and enthusiastic" people. In other words, most people love them because they are people magnets. This makes it even more incredibly difficult to identify, and incredibly difficult for others outside the situation to believe YOU when you do start picking up on the signals and asking questions or pointing out areas of concern.
Asking questions ... THAT in and of itself might be the biggest element of my demise in all of this. However, it was in the ending (or death) of these eras in my life that I found freedom. Freedom always comes at a price, and it definitely did, but the price has been SO worth it.
I have no problem acknowledging that I am a person FULL of questions. Seriously, I'm sometimes to the point of a 2 year old incessantly asking "Why?" a million times. Haha! Truthfully, this describes me to the core. However, I learned early on and often in most of the church circles I've been a part of that my questions were not welcomed or encouraged. I was often quickly painted as a rebel, dissenter, protester, etc., and I'll be the first to admit that I'm definitely a non-conformist. That being said, the more I learn about Jesus and some of the greats of the Bible and history, the more I believe many of them were non-conformists, too.
I could spend hours upon hours telling in more detail what I experienced and how it led to depression, anxiety, social anxiety and more, but I don't have hours and those details aren't all that important right now. If you've experienced anything similar, you probably know without all the details what these feelings have been like for you as well.
This brings me to why these 30 days are so important to me.
For most of my life, I have believed somewhere deep within that God was an incredibly loving being who cared deeply for me and all of humanity. However, much of what and how I was taught about God simply did not depict what I believed instinctively to be true. Often it would be taught that "God is love, but ..." That always left me wondering, "How can an unconditionally loving God have conditions?" For some, that is a loaded question because their beliefs can't reconcile that with the "wretchedness of the world." I'm honestly not quite sure how to reconcile that myself. In all that I've experienced in this life, there's times I'd rather prefer God withheld that love from some people. They certainly didn't deserve it in my eyes. I'm not here to debate that question, though. I'm simply sharing it as an example of my own experiences because as I've learned more and more about that unconditional love, I've begun to see God in a totally different light, or maybe, I'm seeing him in that same light I once saw him as a young child. Either way, I wanted to take this month to just explore where that leads. Maybe it will also lead to something you've been seeking.
