We are only about a week away from the end of this month, and what a month it has been! I've seen some of the craziest of days all in a few short weeks - some incredible highs and some unfortunate lows.
The lows are frustrating, aren't they? I sometimes wonder why they happen, but I also wonder if my thoughts and actions further them along sometimes. I think it's possible.
Regardless, I think every person tries to make sense of the painful moments in life. Sometimes, we make perfect sense of it. Sometimes, we never do, and other times, it can take years to find some sense in all of it. Often, this creates a doubt in our minds as to whether God exists.
I'm not here to debate the existence of God. I grew up being taught and believing in His existence. Then, in moments when I couldn't make sense of my pain, I grew closer and closer to agnosticism for years, not really caring whether He existed or not. Now, in recent years and because of my own personal experiences and encounters, I've come to believe in His existence again because of what I've experienced. My viewpoints in many areas have shifted a bit, but my faith is strong in the fact that I've seen enough evidence of a supreme spiritual being caring for me, that I do believe.
I can't always explain how or why my beliefs are what they are today, but I came across this quote by C.S. Lewis that I thought was relevant and really thought-provoking:
"My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust?"
I won't try to convince anyone of God's existence, but rather, I challenge you to seek for yourself. Ask Him to reveal life-giving moments to you. Look for miracles. Look for the depth of beauty around you. Look for opportunities to show and receive love. Consider from where all these good gifts come.
For me, I try to seek those things often. I've chosen to live out my experiences and share some of those experiences from time to time. This month has been a reminder to me of just how important that is. I'm grateful for the reminder.
May little pieces of hope and encouragement find its way to you through my journey.
"So encourage one another with the hope you have. Build each other up. In fact, that’s what you are doing." - I Thessalonians 5:11 (NIrV)
God is good.
That is what I contemplated all day today.
The weekend was rough. I still have a lot to process around it, especially my surprise reactions to it all.
For the past several years, I have had a very good handle on what has been known to trigger me. (Personally, I hate using that word because I believe it has become quite a bit over-used these days, but for lack of something better, that is what it was.) I've been so proud of myself for not letting those types of things have a deep negative effect on me anymore. However, sometimes, things just come out of the blue from places you least expect and the unexpected has a way of tripping us up.
This past weekend, I tripped hard.
I let the unintentional words and actions from someone cut deep. Yes, the words could have been softer or left unsaid, but it was through this experience that I realized there were more layers to unpack in this healing journey of mine.
I'm extremely grateful when these situations can be reconciled - another evidence that more healing is taking place.
A friend shared that she reminds herself that "this is the pain of healing, not the pain of repeating trauma" and I found that so comforting. The pain can trick us into thinking that the action of the trauma is still there even if it's years in the past.
Healing can be a beautiful dance, though, even with its ups and downs, if we can stay focused on the healing part. However, when we lose that focus and zero in on nothing but the trauma, it's like dancing with 2 left feet or a broken leg ... clumsy and awkward with ample opportunities for some serious bumps and bruises.
In those moments when we lose focus on the path, I'm grateful that comfort is there for us if we surround ourselves with a good support system.
For myself, I've found that God brings comfort during these times in so many ways ... through friends, through prayer, through gentle reminders in nature, through reconciliation and through courage to sit and cry as well as strength to rise again.
"He gives strength to the weary, And to the one who lacks might He increases power." - Isaiah 40:29
I'm writing Day 20 a little bit late. Days 19 & 20 were rough days, so I don't have a lot to write other than to say I'm grateful. I'm grateful for so many things. Here are just a few of those:
Friends and family who care, love, pray and support
Lessons learned and the healing power available to each of us to utilize in our lives
The ability to reconcile with yourself and others when things get off track
A God who brings comfort and peace in the midst of turmoil
"Blessed [gratefully praised and adored] be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort" - II Corinthians 1:3 (AMP)
Today did not go as planned at all. It got severely interrupted when I got a card alert about a transaction (a rather large Taco Bell delivery order in Chicago) that got placed on my account, of which I did not place. I immediately opened the card app and locked the card but the $34.08 was already pending. That took me down an almost 2-hr path of trying to contact that Taco Bell location (with no success), changing passwords as fast as I could, trying to contact Taco Bell corporate (also with no success), contacting the card company, and you know the drill if you've ever experienced something like this.
So there I was having spent almost 2 hours of my day in a way that I just didn't expect to spend it - angry, frustrated, irritated, and all up in my head about all of it. Finally, when I got everything all sorted out sufficiently for the immediate need at hand, I attempted to finish getting ready, but man, was it ever hard not to want to keep ranting and whining about it. I was almost ready to head out, while still fuming, when my husband said ...
"They already stole your money. Don't let them steal your day."
I stopped. He was right. What could I really do other than what I was already doing to correct what happened, try to recover my money (if possible) and protect myself from anything else happening?
As I was leaving, it made me think about all the many times in my life when detrimental choices were made for me or I was forced to conform to something that went against my values and beliefs, when I was controlled, manipulated, lied to and gossiped about, misunderstood and judged. It's a very unsettling place to be when we experience any of this, and it's downright scary to feel like things are outside our control.
I began to think of all the people I know who have experienced similar painful life-altering situations. My empathy began to take over, and I was both angry and sorrowful that people have ever had to experience such painful situations in their life. It definitely feels unfair when you're an innocent victim of someone else's poor choices.
Truthfully, I haven't always responded in the best way to those negative situations - with good reason, but still, for MY OWN good, my responses in those moments could have been better. You may be thinking the same about your own situations.
So I have to ask ... What are we letting someone else willfully steal from us?
I didn't willfully let some random stranger steal a large Taco Bell lunch from me, but I was letting them steal my joy and peace.
I've come to find in recent years that protecting my peace is of high importance to me, and in order to be able to do that, I must release what I can't control.
"Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it." - Psalm 34:14 (NASB)
Today was one of the best days ever. Well, maybe not completely from start to finish, but I have to rank it up there with one of the best simply because of what I experienced.
To start off, it was my birthday, and I went to bed the night before determined not to let little things get me bent out of shape today. I'm glad I resolved that early, otherwise, today could have quite possibly been a very different day.
It seemed to take me forever to get things done and get out the door this afternoon, but I finally left and set off down the road to get my almost-free birthday lunch.
Everything was going to work out perfectly ...
I could go there to enjoy my lunch while working on a few things.
Then, I could head over to the farm nearby to pick up strawberries. For the first time I can remember, I would have actual fresh-picked strawberries for my birthday! Yay!
After that, I could head north to Bentonville to do some delivering for a couple hours before grabbing stuff for dinner on my way home.
Perfect plan. Except, that wasn't what happened.
I went to said café for my birthday lunch only to find out that this location was independently franchised from the other location and my reward code wasn't good there. The only reason I had chosen to go there was to use my birthday reward, so I left.
No big deal. I'll just go grab the strawberries first and then head to the other location in Bentonville since I'm headed that direction anyway. Except, the farm doesn't open for another 30 minutes. Well, this is definitely going to throw my plans off quite a bit because now, I'm going to be eating lunch later than my already late lunchtime, have less time to do work at the café, and then, be out delivering later than I'd planned.
There wasn't much of a choice really. I either had to adjust my sails and ride this wave or give up something. I didn't want to give up anything, so I went with the adjusted timeline of events.
It was in those 30 minutes of shifting around that I received a beautiful gift. It was one of the most overwhelmingly evident moments of God's love that I have ever experienced.
I usually don't like to share things like this publicly, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm supposed to share for some reason, so let me tell you about those 30 minutes.
At first, I just drove around taking the long way to get back to the farm location, even driving around a nearby neighborhood, but I still found myself with 15 minutes to kill, so I stopped in a parking lot and decided to reply to a few birthday messages. It was there that I saw a homeless woman by the side of the road with what appeared to be her entire earthly possessions all piled into a large wagon. You could tell she was trying to stay in the shade. It was a beautiful day today, but the sun was hot, so I'm guessing she was trying to stay cool.
I didn't see any evidence of a sign she might be holding requesting money or help. She was simply sitting there peacefully.
It got me thinking, "I wonder what it would be like to be homeless?" I've pondered this question before but never so deeply as today when I sat there trying to place myself in her shoes. It's hard to put words to the feelings I felt in that moment as I considered all of the experiences that might be missed by being in that situation. Suddenly, my rearranged lunch plans didn't seem like such a big deal.
As I got ready to back out of the parking space, I couldn't help but feel like I should do something more than just wish her well through prayers at a distance. As I pulled out of the parking lot, the thought came to me, "I wonder if she likes strawberries?"
For someone like me who LOVES strawberries, that's a silly question. Everyone should love strawberries, right? :-)
I decided to take my chances and when I went to pick up the 2 quarts I ordered, I bought an extra one and headed back to her. I really didn't know what to do or say, but I parked the car, grabbed the quart of strawberries and got out.
As soon as I approached her, I said, "Excuse me. Do you happen to like strawberries?"
She was weather-beaten and worn, but she looked up at me with a sweet smile of surprise and said, "I do!"
I proceeded to tell her that I had just bought some from the farm down the road and wanted to give these to her. She thanked me and we both wished each other a great day.
I almost didn't make it back to the car before my eyes welled up with tears. In that moment, I was physically overwhelmed by an immense amount of God's love all around me.
I wondered, "Is this what Heaven on earth feels like?"
I've been learning a lot lately about what that really means (heaven - the kingdom of God - on earth). I believe I just experienced it today in the grateful smile of a homeless woman on the side of the road.
"For behold, the kingdom of God is in your midst.” - Luke 17:21b
